|Wearing the Depression Hoodie™️|
Furthermore, since my flat's communal area was harsh, cold and decidedly inhospitable I could go full days without having a proper conversation with another human being. I justified this by telling myself I was practising self-care; I was just having a 'me' day. I have now realised that having five of these in a row is not self care, and can in fact be pretty unhealthy (not just in the mental sense, but also in the 'if I'm not leaving the house I may as well just order 2 for Tuesday pizzas from Domino's and eat them for the next 3 days' way).
On the other side, the literal distance between me and my schoolfriends was not helping. Not only I am notoriously bad at virtual conversations, but I became increasingly paranoid that they had all lost interest in me and consequently lost the courage to message them out of fear that I was irritating them. Days of not speaking turned into weeks, which turned into months. I am aware that this is mostly my own fault for being ridiculous - which makes it more frustrating that I have lost people I cared about.
By the end of the 'school' year in April I had grown closer to my new friends and participated a bit more (it's definitely easier once you turn 18) but I didn't have enough money and hadn't planned far enough ahead to stay in Edinburgh for the summer. So I got a job and moved back into my bedroom at home. Objectively I have not had a very good summer: it has either been spent working, watching Big Brother (shameful I know) or burying myself in books. However, all this time spent alone has led me to think a lot about who I am as a person, what my limits are, figuring out what makes me happy, what my best selfie angle is...
Although I don't have all the answers yet, I'm certainly on my way to figuring out who I am. I've certainly learnt that although I enjoy spending time alone, I can't blame introversion for isolating myself from everybody. Although it doesn't make me unhappy, it's also true that it doesn't always do wonders for my mental or physical health. In fact, I would say my creativity especially has suffered lately. So I'm going to try (no definite promises) to make a bit more of an effort this year - making friends, making art, making memories. They're all important - hence this blog post. Hopefully see you again soon!